What they don’t get about motherhood.

Standard

 

I feel like the fundamental thing my husband doesn’t get about me having children is how I have to deal with my body being a big pile of fail. I mean, yes I gestate them adequately, no major issues there, but birthing and feeding just make me feel kind of worthless since things don’t work right there. I’m not sure men commonly go through anything similar unless they have a medical problem that Drs will diagnose. I mean, the only thing that comes to mind that’s even slightly comparable is sperm count or something. But even with that there’s not the sneering sanctimommy business to contend with. Or some equivalent. I mean, yeah ok with fertility issues in general there’s the people who say to just relax and it will happen, but are there actually a sizable contingent of people saying, in regards to sperm count, that you could try harder or that you did something wrong like there are with mother issues?

I mean I’ve recently been frustrated because I can’t go to just any breastfeeding group because my problems are not solvable, just manageable, and management means judgement. So there’s no group I can go to anywhere near me, and on top of that I have to just be really careful about talking to people about it, like at all. Internet, in person, medical people (who rightly should help, but often can’t /don’t). I have to really watch what I say and I hate being so guarded. So no in person support, which means I get to stew at home. Gosh, good thing I taught myself what to do the first time around when no one would help me!! /s  I mean, it’s more acceptable to talk to random people about vaginal discharge than it is my breastfeeding issues. Or at least no one is going to berate me and tell me it’s my fault my vagina isn’t discharging in the commonly accepted way.

I’m having some dad jealousy I guess. I feel like they don’t have to watch what they say, watch who they talk to about parenting stuff. Or at least not nearly as much. Yeah, ok, there’s a bad media presence about what dads can manage, so it comes off that anything they do is amazing, which sucks. So, yeah, there can be other social issues, but I guess (not being a dad) I don’t feel they are as pervasive. I don’t want to start a not all men sort of thing. I know there are issues for men too, but I just don’t see them as being as significant or pervasive in the majority of situations.

If a mother has an issue with feeding, carrying, birthing, or anything to do with raising  a child there will be someone to be shitty about it to her. Do people lecture/guilt dads about how their kids are fed or anything?

I mean maybe my husband is getting judged for not having a stay at home wife (by his peers with stay at home wives), but he doesn’t see it that way because he’s proud of me/my job, so it’s not an issue. But he didn’t really start off parenthood with this big bag of insecurity and total shock at not working right and having people be all up in his business about it so, bleh.

 

Advertisements

Unpopular opinions.

Standard

 

I really dislike it when people say it doesn’t matter how you birth, healthy baby, healthy mother. OK. Yes, that’s most important, but it should be HAPPY mother, HAPPY baby. If you are happy enough with how your birth turned out then that’s ok. If you feel traumatized then that’s valid and it’s more than OK to not want to be traumatized again. Shaming people for not wanting to be traumatized again (which I see a lot in the form of sneering at birth plans) isn’t cool. I went into my first birth with an intent to try natural, but with an open mind and basically ended up with a somewhat traumatic series of events where people were holding me down, lots of people were sticking needles in me, freaking out in general and saying stupid shit to me. I didn’t really feel a sense of failure at first because it all happened so fast. I mean, showed up to my tub birthing room and had the emergency button pressed within an hour of hospital arrival. But then people started talking about my failure, and how I could try again for a vaginal birth and it really got to me. And I wish it hadn’t. I tried to avoid the scary stuff with my second and mostly did, but still feel disappointed in myself. I’m saddened, but have pretty much tried to spin my last aspirations for birth into the lowest expectations possible, but I’m not happy about it. Sure, I’m glad we’re all alive, but I’m still sad and regretful. Not because I didn’t have some magical experience, but because I subscribed to a body image self view that put function over media dictated conventional attractiveness. And my body was not functional in a way that mattered to me.

Similarly with breastfeeding. Saying as long as you feed your baby completely invalidates how the mother is feeling. Sure, if she is happy or relieved to not breastfeed, or finds combination feeding to relieve her stress than yay. All good. If she finds it devastating to supplement or to have to formula feed then don’t trivialize her circumstances or lack of help. Or whatever led to that situation. Women are massively massively misinformed about how breastfeeding goes. Being fed fake facts like nearly all women can breastfeed, where the ‘facts’ don’t define what can means. In reality at least 15% of women/baby dyads will have major physical or physiological issues with maintaining an infant on exclusive breastfeeding (Niefert 1994 I think). That’s not even taking into account issues that arise from insufficient social or medical support.
People need to remember that some of the responsibility for breastfeeding success is on the baby too. If you think it’s ridiculous to hold a baby responsible, then consider that it’s at least equally ridiculous to hold a person responsible for a biological process. This sort of thing is not done by force of will alone. It helps, but it’s not all there is to it.

So instead commiserate. Be sympathetic. Take cues from the mother. If she says she’s devastated, don’t say, well at least you are feeding your baby. Something like, that sucks, and that’s hard, and it’s ok to be sad is more appropriate. Suggestions may be appropriate–if she asks for them, or she may have tried everything she thought was available, and just find your suggestion annoying. If she says she was relieved to use formula, then something like go you for feeding your baby is more appropriate, where suggestions intended to help manage the issue are possibly not.

And people who have these issues– our bodies don’t necessarily know what they are doing. If you think bodies are designed for this just wait until your baby starts teething. That’s a major design flaw if I’ve ever seen one. Ugh. Bodies have biological processes that go awry all the time. They aren’t necessarily designed for anything, and that sort of talk can contribute to feeling incredibly inadequate and flawed. Don’t think it’s your fault. There are ways to manage many issues. They can be far more work than you are or thought you’d be up for, and they can be manageable if you have support. It’s ok to be sad. Don’t let anyone guilt you into feeling like you have no right to be sad about how things turned out, or that you are ungrateful because worse things happen to other people.
I would also like to say fucking yay science. Did you know that in the 1940’s the infant mortality rate for under one’s was about 50% for *white* babies? It was closer to 85% for black babies. The primary reasons for that are milk safety, water safety and immunization. In about that order. On that topic, let’s talk about formula safety. Please don’t use water from your hot tap for making formula. http://www.cdc.gov/nceh/lead/tips/water.htm Also please DO heat your water before mixing it with powdered formula. Because formula protocol isn’t widely shared by medical professionals, people are left to following the can or getting tips from friends or relatives. Formula is not sterile, and babies under 3 months should have hot water added to their formula for optimum safety. Now, a few tips I learned– You can heat your water in the microwave IF you shake it before serving to eliminate hotspots. You still need to cool it down. However, a much better method is to make up formula in advance. Formula is fine in the fridge for 24 hours. Then you can pop it in a mug of microwaved water to heat it. Or some kids don’t mind it cold. But you know, just FYI. For all those that unexpectedly end up using formula and know nothing about it.

The dragon birthday cake.

Standard

Apparently I made this look really good. I say it’s more about the angles of my photos than anything. Also the cake (a basic sponge, raspberry flavoured) went largely uneaten. So far Thing 1 is interested in fancy looking cakes and Thing 2 is interested in good tasting cakes (she got ice cream and cake crammed into novelty molds for her 2nd birthday. They turned out like lumps of cake and ice cream, which isn’t a bad thing necessarily, but they did get eaten).

So the cake process.

I looked around and there seemed to be a fair amount of dragon and dinosaur tutorials. They mostly involved cutting shapes out of round cakes and sticking them together. I could work with that. Just to be on the safe side I bought a dinosaur puzzle cake mold

(like this )

in case my experimentation was a complete failure.

So here’s the process more or less:

I thought I had pictures of this bit, but apparently not. So I’ll describe it.

You need:

2 circular cakes

A knife

Fondant or some kind of decorative frosting

Butter cream or some kind of sticky frosting

Garnish type things.

A pan or plate to assemble the cake on.

What to do:

Cut one circular cake into two semi-circles.

Use butter cream to stick them together into one thicker semi-circle. Turning this flat side down (so the semi-circle forms a hump) stick it to the cake plate.

With the other circular cake you want to cut out these type of shapes:

 

More or less. That’s not my picture. I cut out the tail and the rest was various rectangles. Then I stuck the tail to the semi-circle, stuck the legs on the side (all with butter cream), cut a smaller chunk for the head to rest on as the neck (I may have held pieces in place with a toothpick where necessary), and put the head on top of the neck stub to give it a real 3D appearance, as opposed to laying the head and neck out straight on the cake plate.

All stuck together, added some extra butter cream and started adding my fondant.

Now I started with white, but Thing 1 wanted a purple dragon so I used regular old food colouring and icing sugar until the fondant wasn’t sticky (think you are supposed to use gel colour, but uh, yeah. I didn’t), kneaded it until I got tired (so it was still kind of swirly because my hands hurt), rolled it out and placed it on. Now I didn’t roll out big sheets because I didn’t have very much counter space, and I’m surprised it turned out looking as nice as it did. All camera angles I promise, it was all stuck together looking up close, though I did get it smoothed out some by using water and the back of a spoon.

I used white chocolate buttons (cut up) for fangs and teeth and decorations, and marshmallows for dragon treasure.

So here’s the finished product:

 

 

 

20140701_154440 20140701_113929

20140701_124601 20140701_124614

20140701_124715

 

So yeah, that’s my fancy cake. No one really ate it. Even after we peeled off the fondant and tossed it.

 

People who haven’t experienced problems are the most judgmental.

Standard

Which includes first timers.

There’s been a lot of anti birth plan judgement going around in my life. It’s always irritated me. It seems to mostly come from people who haven’t had issues they felt could have been avoided.
Now, this time I hardly have a birth plan at all, because there’s no point.

There’s a lot more anti-birth plan talk than there are people being sad that every little thing didn’t go how they imagined it, though I have seen a little of that.

Some people seem to think a birth plan is a detailed document outlining how the expectant mother wants every thing to go. Pretty much everyone has a birth plan, even if they aren’t writing up some manifesto. It might be exactly in line with what your medical team will do, so you hardly need to tell or ask them anything, or it might be very different from their normal operating procedure, so you need to ask for things outside the norm. It’s a good excuse to do some research into what is the norm at where you will be birthing, what will be accommodated, and make educated decisions into what you think is best for you.

My original birth plan was very much in line with normal operating procedure for my area (though I gather fairly different from in much of the US). I didn’t have to worry about making my wishes explicitly known, or going against standard procedure on a variety of things, though I had discussed them with my care providers. There was very little that I got off of it despite that.

With my second birth plan, because of the nature of my first birth, I had to argue quite a lot my entire pregnancy to be able to not be strapped to a bed. Since my first birth involved about 10 people in my room holding me still because the bed was broken and rocked if I moved at all, and that upset the belly monitor, including 2 sets of people trying to fit IV’s that kept falling out (I ended up with I think 4 different IV insertion points?), and ending up with one in my neck I was rather keen to not be attached to a bed. So mobility was a big part of my birth plan. In the end when it came down to being strapped to a bed and told it would probably end in a section anyhow, or having a repeat emergency section I opted for the section. My second time birth plan was about avoiding things I saw as traumatizing. Which I mostly did, but I still don’t feel right or happy with how things turned out.

With my 3rd I have very low expectations. It’s disappointing for me because there are birthing related things I can never have because of how my birth has to go. Not because it’s necessarily dangerous, but because rules are more flexible in the delivery room than they are in the operating room. But I still have a birth plan. And so does pretty much everyone else. Everyone whose birth plan is get the baby out, is fine with the way their medical team and hospital does things. Those who want things done differently are not wrong and certainly have reasons.

Hello again.

Standard

Seeing as I got busy and uninterested and sort of abandoned this blog.

So what’s happened since last time?

We moved. I kept my job but changed my hours.

Thing 1 turned 4 (stay tuned for birthday cake post, it was pretty cool).

Thing 2 turned 2.

Thing 3 is coming in January (and it’s another girl, so there’s that). Which has reopened all my insecurities about that.

I’ve been engaging in more passive entertainment rather than writing for the blog. I do feel blogging is a bit navel-gazey for me because I don’t have a big readership and don’t want to go get one.

So more from me soon. I’ve been writing but just not sharing so much.

Fire in the belly

Standard

When I first became a parent I had problems. Big ones from my point of view. I engaged in (online) communities and provided helpful (well I intended it to be helpful) information to people who were asking about similar issues. I experienced judgement, harassment and general meanness as a result of my problems and my openness about them. I cried a lot because people were mean.

I started a blog about my issues and had a lot of motivation to ‘spread the word’ initially. Then I attracted a crazy or two, was personally harassed by another mommyblogger and just decided I didn’t have time for that kind of bullshit.

So now? I do not care. Occasionally I am moved to provide someone with information on a casual basis, but mostly I am just getting on with my life and hoping that no one decides to harass me again. What the hell happened to me? Is it the prolonged lack of sleep? Am I traumatized by casual cruelty, made gunshy by hostility? It’s rather that I no longer have that fire in the belly. I am not evangelical, and perhaps I never was, but I just don’t have the drive to add my voice to the mix any longer.

I was approached a while ago about becoming a  Breastfeeding Peer Counselor and my response was unhesitantly absolutely not. No time, and no interest. Though I liked having breastfeeding support I find the attitude of breastfeeding supporters fairly tiresome eventually. There’s always sniping about ‘Those Women’. The ones that lack education, initiative, motivation or whatever else they obviously lack (sarcasm– because they must be lacking something if they don’t want to) to breastfeed and fight for it. I fought for it but that was my struggle. Let them have their own choices based on what they know at the time. I don’t have it in my to argue over people who mean well but have their own agenda to push, nor do I want to become someone who means well but does harm by not listening or having my own interests to push. Similarly I was approached to promote my other blog and I declined and even eventually shut that blog down. Even though it’s a good resource, in my opinion, and I still link it when people ask about something I wrote up at one point, I just can’t be bothered with the hassle that comes with promotion (harassment, potential stalkers and doxxers, not to mention regular contributions).

I am a part of an online group for a fairly specific ailment. Though I can now probably diagnose it myself and haven’t ever really gotten help from the group, for some reason I haven’t left. There’s a fascinating thing going on where I can see overly crunchy, image concerned mothers with an issue preventing them from leading picturebook lives ‘doing their research’. And it’s freaky. I mean, lots of grasping at straws, no medical help, bizarre conjecture, pseudoscience being passed around as fact, self blame for the issue (that comes up a lot), and just people woefully educated in the ways of reason. A lot of the time it seems like a frenzy of the blind leading the blind and jumping to conclusions, which then are paraded as fact. It’s very surreal to watch. Some sort of groupthink problem solving because of a vacuum of medical assistance in an age where people have come to expect distinct diagnoses for every bump in the road.

But people there have passion. They want to understand and fix, prevent, and educate. I used to feel like that. Even about this specific issue.  I just can’t get that drive back. I think going through two children, looking for help and not getting any has drained me.  We are working toward another one and I have the intention to make one last ditch effort to get some understanding for my problems.  But I also have a sense of how and when to cut my losses and make do.  It’s what I did with Thing 1 and 2 and things haven’t worked out storybook, but they have worked out better than other people expected because of my education and effort. I feel like it’s more than good enough given everything. I like to think that having a science education I can evaluate information based on source and methodology and not just believe in crackpot things emotionally, but I may be mildly deluded.

I like to say that now I finally have my ‘fuck you judgy-mcjudgerson’ big girl pants on, though I worry that it’s really me not getting too invested in anything so that people stay out of my business and stop casually hurting me over something I’m doing my best with. Such is modern parenting. Put your big girl pants on or go home and cry.

Help, I’m a Pinterest Mom

Standard

Just kidding, I don’t even have a Pinterest account. But I have been dubbed a ‘creative mom’ (said in a slightly derogatory way, hard to explain), and told I have too much free time because of my sewing, painting and other decorative activities I bestow on my children. I have painted on plain black shoes, sewn various articles of clothing (monsterfaces and skirts), and similar. I guess the critical things I hear (your mommy has too much time etc), is just jealousy manifesting over time, ability or the impression that I am making someone else look or feel inferior for not doing those things.

😦

What I’ve found is that I do do Pinterest worthy things (I guess, as I said, I don’t look at it other than having it linked at me on my Facebook feed), but I do them to occupy my kids. See, my kids are  in daycare. But only part time. Daycare is whole days full of drawing and crafts and activities. On the days I am at home with my kids they are bored. Sitting around while Momma frantically does laundry and cooks is not a whole lot of fun apparently. Gosh, who knew? The kids come to expect crafts and activities and all I have is boring old chores. Thing 1 is particularly annoying with wanting to be entertained. This means ME drawing her pictures, playing with playdough etc while she watches and tells me what to do. I dislike this immensely. So I’m always scavenging for activities that she will do with minimal input from me. So far painting is a bust.  This includes on paper, pinecones and cookies. I had this idea that we would make salt dough Christmas ornaments, but I figure that will go badly too. Still going to do it and then kick myself later.

I often feel like scum because I’m trying to set her up with these various crafty activities and she wants me to do it under her direction, so I end up growling at her because obviously I want her to do it, I mean that’s the point and all, and then I just feel bad because I’m trying to get her to do stuff that’s supposed to be fun and then I’m being grumpy at her.  Sigh.

But, yeah. I had this revelation after seeing someone say they set out to be a Pinterest mom and how they don’t have time/their kid isn’t able or inclined and it just makes them bitter because they felt like thinking up wacky crafts to do with, at, or for your kids was an integral part of motherhood. First off that attitude boggles me. Secondly, I do wacky crafts to get my kids off my back so I can hang laundry without having to pull rocks and dirt out of someone’s mouth.  Priorities…